*StArS*AnGeL*LoVe

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

in case u people have been coming here but not know about my new blog, this is it

www.bless-giveitback.blogspot.com

yep. been blogging for some time already =)

posted @ 20:23
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Friday, March 31, 2006

I love to live in the past.
Well, I was just thinking how I'll be leaving you, alone.
I know I've got u, and u're always there. somehow...
I admire my classmate, seeing how she can appreciate her bf..
and of cos, how her bf waits for her outside of sch each and everyday, unless he has late lessons.
I guess, what they've said are right. I shouldn't have.
I am serious, serious this time round.
I can't pretend to love, its wrong.
I'll just leave, quietly, perhaps.
till u've seen this and know it all.

this will be my last post in this blog I suppose..
probably update again if i'm gonna get a new blog.
You know, i don't like to explain.

everything has its purpose, and I'm listening carefully to Him this time round.
Thank God for letting me choose my decision.
Amen.

posted @ 15:11
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Monday, March 27, 2006

yes this is me!! whee!

well my new class!
06S26 in TPJC.
a whole new beginning.

ok someone said this pic very style lol.

sorry for being zi lian again.
realised that my blog has been rather dull these days.
haha.
till then!
=)

posted @ 00:57
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Sunday, March 26, 2006

Changed my background music to this once again.
Was actually thinking of "i don't wanna miss a thing" by Aerosmith
but realised its rather..unlike me?
don't exactly know how to explain but yeah,
its rather much not for me..
nevermind.
Any idea how much impact Tao Ze's songs have on me?
I don't have any idea too.
I guess it just gets me thinking..
about some simple issues,
some phrases we always hear..
but most human beings never get to understand..fully...
I feel so dumb most of the times.
studying seems so hard all of a sudden.
Its not about the depth of the topics or so on..
but just the thought of... studying.. focussing... managing..
it erks me off.
I'm not trying to have an attitude problem here or what..
not trying to do some teenage thing that we just reject whatever that comes.
its not being rebellion here.
perhaps now in JC, all that i want or am expected to do is study and study.
I miss the days where I'm so busy with cca, busy with cg roles, busy with shepherdings..
used to complain about not enough time for myself and family and about not being able to shepherd all my sheep..
now, i have all the time in the world yet i feel so restricted.
so so restricted.
i miss all the laughters with cg
all the lame-d moments
all the achievements
all the celebrations
all the leng-chang between each activity even
and of cos, seeing sally asking for the rest of the bread after holy com
you know how fullfilling it is?
being so busy yet when it all happens, its so fulfilling it just gets everything behind your head..
i feel so bad for not being happy now. and then too.
who else but myself can make me happy?
even jokes may not be able to pull me out of it all.

today,
i just heard a good news.
shanrui is going for ec1 cg this week.
glad she's back.
at least she should be back on track.
maybe she's going to bring ec1 to another peak once again.
afterall, i've not heard of her in east a right?
well, she can, of cos.
she's always so focussed and convicted.
another thing,
today is yingjie's spiritual birthday.
so fast, 1 yr..
she's grown so much i guess.
i kinda admire her.
don't exactly know why but i really admire her..
maybe of her courage? her foundation with God?
hmm.. happy birthday =)

coming tuesday,
cheng wanna meet me.
i wonder why.. so long since i last met any if the leaders
or in fact, an arranged meet-up with any other ppl in church.
used to feel so.. normal? like its always normal to meet any of them..
but now.. its like, i'll keep thinking why she wanna meet me and so on..
is it some serious issue?
is it about eastc?
is it about some ppl?
is it abt me?
i'm curious. really. but not excited.

i thought a channel of help had come but it was taken away abruptly..
not long.
i thought i'm going back on the right pathway again but the track was once again blurred.
perhaps a downpour came right down and the trail was covered but mud, all over.

i can't write fanciful stories with lots of descriptions and adjectives.
But i know i can write what i know i should write.
and that is why i can't just write whatever that comes to my mind.
that's probably why i'm such an introvert at times.
man its raining now.
all of a sudden.
i'm so dragged by my emotions.
but more prone to the sad side la.
ask me to cry now and u might need to bring a pail along.

last night, i dreamt.
dreamt of chinese drama..
dreamt of acting on stage.
each and everyone of the society were on stage.
don't remember whats it abt.
but i remember seeing a stage on the stage. (gd if u understand, if not, forget it.)
then there were a few drums..
argh. don't remember.

anyway, i'm thinking of going back to teach the CDS sec1s on every friday.
but you know, i'm not a gd actor among my batch
so if someone were to teach,
it shouldn't be me.
AND, the fact that my mum may not like the idea is..
demoralising.
utterly.
PLUS, i think i'm drifted away from my batch ppl..
oh wells.
forget abt the idea.

i seriously need to learn how to cycle.
i mean, cycle well, confidently.
the other time i went ecp i fell with LOTS of bruises.
if i were to keep learning throughout this half yr, do u think it'll be safe if i were to go night cycling or something like that with the rest of the odacians?
quite impossible.
hard to believe.
but i'll still try k
provided there's someone to accompany me go cycling..
*HINTS*

i'm tired.
maybe i'm trying too much to TRY.

if i were to die, i would request to see my heart smile.

posted @ 14:19
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Saturday, March 25, 2006

so long, so long since i last blogged.

Perhaps I'm just trying to hide from reality,

perhaps I'm getting a little too tired of this...

If you ask me how's my day, my reply would probably be..

like any other days..

but well, it ain't going well in school..

at the very least, not what my "ideality nature" expected.

Trying really hard to be optimistic,

to be smiling, to be sociable, to be less concerned about my appearances and so on...

but you know, its really tough to carry on doing all these...

I used to feel like an idiot in AJ,

now i feel rather like some genius in TPJC,

or maybe cos they're teaching all those topics again

but well, I'll prefer to be an idiot, seriously.

All the lessons are no longer as fun..

no big talks of the cat high ppl, no courageous actions of the dunman high ppl,

no girl talks between the girls ( cos they go gaga-ing over some guys ).

oh crap, i feel so bad... this is so crap!

complain complain complain...all I can do is complain...

I try, I really try, and I'm trying harder but where does it get me to?

anywhere?

you know some girls just keep laughing and laughing and laughing in class,

they seem so unreal...

I mean, its good that you're happy and stuffs like that but...

it just seems so unreal...... like pri school...

nevermind, I'm rather determined to work hard this time round.

So if i really can't mix well and the class remains so seperative after another 2 weeks,

I'll just be alone, studying in the library ba..

haix.

who cares.

that question was not meant to be asked..

when u asked that, i'm more determined to do what i've been wanting to do for the past week..

still remember that time when u said i sounded fierce?

and sometimes i just don't reply ur sms-es?

i'm growing tired of ur annoyance.

many a times, u ask the questions, demanding me to say something when i was about to say them.

end up that i'll rather not say it.

i can't understand you and make u smile or make u laugh..

seriously, i can't.

and you know it don't you?

so why don't you just leave me instead of me hurting you?

( i think u've seen the picture in ur mind when u asked that question..)

she can understand you better isn't it?

she can talk right out with you isn't it?

she can argue with you and make u laugh out loud isn't it?

i'm just another baby girl for u to console and adore when u want to be secured of yourself.

right?

posted @ 01:20
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Monday, March 13, 2006

Oh so sorry to all of you who have been coming to my blog, yet I've not updated anything... Since its March holidays, I shall try to squeeze out something (you call it juice or something haha) from my brain. Well, been rather upset and lazy these days... Perhaps lazy cos I'm upset. I was really really disappointed in some people and some things... and of cos, my appeal too. Things ain't going really well for me. However, its good I would say, to fall as I've been getting too much of what I want. I don't want to lean on luck or some sort like that anymore. I want to make it my own achievement this time round. Yes.

Appeal, unsuccessful. They didn't call. And actually I wanted to put in another appeal on Friday but Ho Yin (jiaqi's PAE classmate) kept persuading me not to.. and i was softened.. But I was still reluctant to give up this chance to appeal.. so I went off to appeal, with weixun they all but was held back by a teacher at the gate. what the... say we can only go off after 12.50... but that day lessons end at 11 + la... -.-" then weixun decided not to go AJ already... then I also dun wanna go alone... so in the end I gave up my chance.... =( but I don't think it'll be successful too la. I'm gonna stay in TPJC for the next 1 and 3/4 yrs ahead. Not exactly excited or enthusiastic about it but nevermind, I can go through it. Yesterday Xiwen told me that she's gonna run for Student Council and I was thinking if I should go for the same thing too.. I have no idea why she wants to do that (or at least not clear haha) but for me, its gonna be change change change change CHANGE the school for the better and also to spread the Gospel.. I want others to know that I can do well in studies too despite much time spent with God, through Him of cos! *AMEN!* On saturday I went for the service and I felt like I'm gonna die man.. as in... God keeps reminding me of His great commission and that He's coming!!!! He also told me to forget about the past cos it doesn't matter anymore...when we were worshipping... and during the hwa chong chinese drama performance, He reminded me of that again... oh man oh man... Now I'm awfully burdened again... I really hope xiwen is going for the same reason too and of cos, succeed...

OH YA, and yesterday ah... man i feel so detached la... from the rest of my batch... as in CDS people... wahh I'm so so so so sad and BORED. I just kept sms-ing and looking at my phone and stare.. -.-"

its SO detached ok. I felt so weird. utterly awkward man.

but NEVERMIND. its ok... maybe its just myself... or maybe its just that day...

haha I don't feel like blogging le.

enjoy your march holidays people!

and use it to the fullest man!

BYE!!!!

posted @ 09:18
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Monday, March 06, 2006

if only i can be a chao ren and be so faithful to my love despite the end of the world...
sometimes i think of myself to be so strong.... so so strong......

posted @ 21:35
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i'm becoming more and more lazy to blog...less commitments less thoughts... Sometimes i really wish of my brain to be a box or something, a physical one so that i can just take out all those i dun wanna keep in my mind and really "keep' those that i want.....or rather, need. I feel so immature now. I feel like just complaining everything to someone. And the only one who might be willing and able to do so is this blog. No one bothers, at times. And even if someone bothers, its always at the wrong time, wrong situation. Don't blame me if I shoo you off many a times, cos I jolly well know that I can get real pissed off. I'd rather shoo u off then scare u off with my loud screams of anger.

I can't believe myself at times, being so quiet... At the same time, I can't believe myself being so childish and noisy and mad too... who says keeping silence = observing the surroundings = mature? CRAP.

I MISS AJC!!!!

posted @ 14:16
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